I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG GUYS, but I’ve been having this weird empty feeling lately. You'd think that 205,386,991 friends would make a guy feel popular, but I don't even know most of you. This whole thing was set up so that I'm automatically your top friend the moment you sign up for an account, but almost all of you immediately delete me. Thanks, guys.

Yeah, I know I made like $580 million dollars, you don't need to remind me, but money cannot buy friendship (apparently). I just get the feeling this is some ridiculous popularity contest. I am winning, for sure, but that doesn't make me feel any better. It all started out as simply a nice way to network, but it's become this weird lot of virtual desperation and e-yearning. This top friend status thing—threatening to demote others—has, to quote some article I read, "become a means to negotiate interpersonal dynamics which ought to be done in person." And the comments, all the endless comments being used as advertising space. Come on guys, chill the F out.

Rupert Murdoch myspaced me. He wants me to create a special account for him by transferring all my friends to him, which is totally creepy, but he owns this gig now.

He wrote, "Tom! My bro, how have you been? How does it feel to be famous?"

You know this world is lost to the snakes when a guy like Rupert starts using bro. The only bro I'm comfortable with is Super Mario Bros., and I can't even beat the dragon.

I told him, "Sista, Myspace is a big pond with too many small fish that gnaw at each other for there is no room to swim."

"Whoa there, slow down. Don't get all Wall Street Journal on me."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Relax bro. Seriously."


HERE'S THE THING: I can't relax. Been having trouble sleeping, lying awake in bed thinking of all the comments I need to approve. It actually kind of stresses me out people. I discovered this Thoreau guy, talks about being alone and stuff. You should read his description of acorns, wow. He also wrote this essay Civil Disobedience where he talks about the tendency for governments and institutions to take control of people's lives, and that people should try, however hard, to be free. Anyways, I think I'm going to give it a shot, the whole hairy-man Zen thing. Don't worry, I won't go Mountain Man on you. There's this private vacation waterfront estate on Walden Pond that I have my eye on. I figure it's worth the investment, and Rupert already agreed to help with the down payment, though he made me promise to let him stay over on the weekends. Said he bought a raccoon suit already. I'll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, keep it real—and sorry for all those pop-up ads, but a million-dollar view is, well, a million dollars.


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